Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Speaking of affection

Affection or a gentle feeling of fondness, or liking in universal language is love. I was so embarrassed to spell the word love in the title that I had to pick another word which likely to be similar. Love is not something that I would talk openly, and flaunt my view without concealment as this make me a little shy but, I will try.

I have never been in a relationship and next week exactly on Friday it will be my 24th year anniversary of singlehood surviving without any significant other. My car seat next to me is always empty, my bed habitually lonely, I have no other hand to hold but my own, nobody to love but my books and that magic spell consisting of three words with six letters in it; they don't simply appear in my inbox, totally out of sight, out of mind, evidently.

Do you know where I sit when I am in love?

Next to the group of people who are constantly unfortunate and perpetually live in disappointment. I fall into a category of unrequited love as described by Iris in The Holiday; the cruelest kind that almost kills its victim. When other love stories are about people who fall in love with each other, I fall in love alone. It is truly upsetting to be the victim of one sided affair, cursed of the loved ones, and the walking wounded. Nobody wants to be unhappy and miserable but, some people are unlucky and the glorious tale about love is not for everyone.

Do you know what will happen when I am in love?

I am the demented ones that cannot think straight, the fool that infatuated with poor judgement and at risk of losing himself to love. When I love, I love like I write; deeply and carelessly. I am precisely the male version of Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of Eat Pray Love) when I am in love. When I love, I dive and vanish into the person I love completely. I am the permeable membrane.

You will have every part of me and every molecule of my body, my car, my time, my devotion, my money, my everything. If I love you, I will carry all your pain, I will be responsible for all your happiness, I will protect you from your own insecurity and project upon you all sorts of good qualities, I will give you all this and that, until I get so worn out and consumed that the only way I can recuperate is becoming besotted with someone else. Therefore, to be in love for me is both; a blessing and a curse.

So, where is my love story?

I have none. The continuous heartbreaks of one sided affairs made my love stories into an unceasing tragedies. Despite the bitterness, I am not giving up looking to complete, or to begin one. Turning 24 next week had me hoping for a better way of looking for love. Or maybe, just maybe, I might get lucky.

Footnote: This post is written a week before my birthday which falls on 26th of December.

Sunday, 4 January 2015

Let it be

The same old position before bed, trying to shut my eyes when my mind wanders like it always does when I'm trying to sleep. Admit it, it is nice to have someone wishing you a good night sleep and it does make you sleep better.

Mindlessly going through my iPhone when I know exactly; this empty wish will soon disappear into the thin air. I have no good night wish from anyone.

Let it be.

I don't know why I am so scared of being lonely. I think it is getting pretty tough when I am an adult. Is love all I want to earn, or the idea of love that I crave? Or, in this case; I only want the good night wish before bed so I could sleep better.

When I like you, these good night wishes, night after night, same old same old; they mean the world to me. Every single night, you are becoming the last thing on my mind before I sleep, before I go to bed. Like a drug, it soothes my emotion as if I've just swallow a whole bottle of sleeping pills.

It's crazy how we become so dependent on someone. Like this person takes away the most important part of our body and make our soul restless since then. Your soul functionally addicted to this person, and you are becoming needy, and slowly depleted.

You my dear friend have lost your common sense.